


here is the deepest secret nobody knows

by Tangerina



Series: soulmate dry your eye [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fix-It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-11-03 21:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20627786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerina/pseuds/Tangerina
Summary: the turtle could help this time.





	here is the deepest secret nobody knows

**Author's Note:**

> the turtle is alive and shipping, i mean, kicking. 
> 
> thanks to @DuendeJunior for beta-reading again! i love you. 
> 
> the "children, i love you. i love you so much" line belongs to stephen king.

_ you can save him_, he hears a voice whisper inside his brain. richie can almost recognize it, but it is foggy like a memory long gone. an old voice. timeless. _ do you want to save him, richard tozier?_, the voice asks and richie thinks there’s something soft about it, something like a grandma’s voice, full of gentleness. he closes his eyes, tears falling on eddie’s face. ben is trying to take him away from eddie’s body, but he doesn’t wanna go. it can’t be like this. they were supposed to last forever. 

_ do you?_, the kind voice repeats. 

_ yes. yes_, richie thinks. _ please. more than anything._

* * *

richie tozier is a loud motherfucker.

he knows that.

he knows that he might go too far sometimes, but then his friends will say _ beep beep richie _ and he’ll stop. he says all those stupid shit just to hear them laugh -- if they’re not having fun, what’s the purpose? right now, they’re all howling with laughter and richie is just smiling and thinking that this is his favorite sound in the whole world. 

_ (save him) _

“what?!,” he looks around. the whisper was so close it was like lips were pressed against his ears and nowadays that was a synonym for It. the losers stop laughing. 

“whu-whu-what, richie?,” bill looks alarmed. richie knows he must be terrified, being the only one who really _ lost _ something. 

“I guess… it’s nothing,” richie says at last. everyone is on alert mode and this is so fucking unfair. they’re kids, for god’s sake. they shouldn’t be worrying about nightmares and deaths. they should be enjoying the summer. everyone looks suspicious and relieved at the same time. 

bev is the first to stand up. “I need to go home,” she says and just like that ben and bill are getting up too. richie finds really funny, the way both of them lean into to her, like they’re sunflowers and she’s the sun. everywhere she moves, their eyes follow. she’s beautiful, he knows that, beautiful and probably the coolest of them. but it’s different. her looks don’t affect him the way they seem to affect ben and bill, not anymore. 

“there’s a type of bird that lives near here…” stan begins, hesitantly. he’s starting to be afraid of being alone, all of them are like that now. 

“I’ll go look with you,” mike answers, smiling. “I don’t have to go home right now,” he adds. richie looks at eddie, who is looking right back at him. he feels that they're in a mental conversation. do you wanna go look at birds? do you wanna go to my place, to your place? do you wanna stay here and share the hammock like we do when no one else is here? _ (oh, how his heart beats at this possibility) _ what do you want to do? 

"I’ll just… finish this comic here," says eddie, finally. richie nods. 

richie doesn't know it, but when ben looks at him he pictures richie as the sunflower and eddie as the sun, and smiles to himself. 

when the others are gone, richie goes first in the hammock and eddie right after him. richie loves it when it’s only them. he loves all of his friends, but when it’s just the two of them here, he and eddie always lay facing each other. ever since eddie told richie he was having nightmares and trouble sleeping at night, richie tried to help him. was there anything better than an afternoon nap? 

richie extends his arm and eddie snuggles into his body. richie holds his breath, as always. that can’t be real. that can’t be right. his friends are afraid and suffering, and he feels really happy and it’s a selfish feeling. he holds eddie with tenderness, stroking his hair delicately. eddie is already closing his eyes.

richie feels so lucky, being the one chosen to care for his dreams. and, in the back of his head, the voice is still saying _ save him save him save him_. 

he stares at the ceiling. “I would do anything,” richie whispers and his only answer is eddie cuddling him more.

* * *

it’s opening night. richie tozier isn’t nervous at all.

actually, he slept very well, which isn’t common. he knows he had a good dream, a great dream. he woke up feeling loved. it was a weird way to wake up, with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. he can’t remember the last time he felt so good while awake. it’s not that he’s unhappy, he’s just… lonely. 

loneliness is something you can get used to. better, loneliness is something you have to get used to. it’s easier if you were never on the opposite side, the side of shared jokes, hugs, food, screams. he can’t remember his childhood very well, so he imagines that he had always been lonely. but sometimes… sometimes he dreams, and during the day it’s hard to let loneliness crawls back into his skin. 

he shakes his head. the curtains will open soon. it’s funny: the only thing he remembers beside the feeling of overwhelming trust are the words _ save him_.

but who would need his saving, anyway? 

* * *

his mom is telling him a story. richie loves that, she’s so good at making different voices for each character. he wants to be like her one day. he's five years old and his favorite sound in the world is his mother’s voice. today’s story is about the universe. 

"and then, the giant turtle felt its stomach ache," she whispers like a secret and richie laughs. "so the turtle had to throw up. you wouldn't guess what came out of her mouth…," she smiles conspiratorially. 

"what, ma?," he asks, eyes shining with anticipation.

"_everything_!," maggie exclaims. richie gasps. “the universe and all its wonders. mars, jupiter. the earth, our home. everything you know and everything that is yet to be discovered. everyone who loves and who will love you. and everyone you love and will love. the moon, the stars. all of the galaxies,” she touches his tummy. “all because of a stomach ache! so please, dear, be careful with what you eat… we don’t want an entire new universe because you ate an entire jar of cookies!”

they laugh and richie is already feeling better. he looks at her. 

"is the turtle alone?," he asks. 

"well, it sure has some company up there… some good friends, some not so good ones. but it's time for you to sleep," she gets out of the bed and pull the sheets so richie is all covered. "love you, young one." 

"love you, old one!," he answers, laughing at her face. she kisses his forehead and looks at him. her eyes seem different, but richie isn’t afraid. he feels warmth spreading in his chest. 

“young one…,” maggie’s fingers trace his face, and she sounds very far away, her voice coming from outer space. richie is almost asleep. “remember to save him.”

* * *

when bill introduces eddie to him and stan, richie has the distinct feeling that he already knew him. it makes no sense at all. he’s sure he’s never seen a kid so small, with such big brown eyes. 

“is he what? five?,” richie asks. “are you taking care of georgie’s friends?”

bill is about to say something, but the little boy is capable to defend himself. “first of all, fuck you,” his ears are red and richie is already laughing. not at eddie. for some reason, richie likes when people confront him. richie thinks he likes this boy. “and just so you know, I’m seven and my body compl… complei… I’m seven and my body is right as it should be! not everyone wants to look like a fucking tree,” eddie crosses his arms. bill and stan are laughing at them, and richie feels like his laughing at himself. 

when they stop, richie and eddie are side by side, and bill points out that they’re probably gonna stay like this forever. “it’s n-n-not everyone wh-who can put a fight with r-richie.” 

“why not?,” eddie looks at richie from head to toe. “he’s just a trashmouth.”

stan and bill almost start screaming as they laugh and richie is now sure he likes eddie. 

(richie feels something weird in his chest, and the words _ save him _ dance in front of his eyes, but he blinks and it’s gone.)

* * *

when richie sees eddie, everything comes back. 

he remembers. he remembers. all the days he wished he could kiss eddie, all the days he kissed eddie. all the dreams now have a face and a name. richie looks at eddie expecting to see the same recognition in his eyes. at the same time, he doesn’t want to see anything at all. it was his deepest secret. 

if he had kissed eddie and was kissed back, if he really had gone to prom with eddie, if everything he was remembering was true, that meant his deepest secret was no secret at all. and all the years he spent hiding and trying to avoid questions about relationships and being lonely were just… a waste of his time. the proof that he was a coward. the proof that, when he was a kid, he was much more braver than he’d ever been as an adult. 

(the proof that friendship can win over anything, even your darkest fears.)

_save him_, the voice in his head says.

he ignores it, just like he’s been doing his whole life. he imagines that this is a phrase pennywise stuck in his brain for some weird purpose, but he knows this is not true, because he isn’t afraid. as soon as he stops to think about the words, he forgets them.

(but not really.)

* * *

“this is battery acid, you slime!,” eddie screams and then It is screaming too. richie knows that they’re fighting some nightmarish thing, but he can’t help smiling, just a little. that’s eddie kaspbrak for you, he thinks.

they’re thirteen and they’re invincible. 

when they go home, after winning, richie rests his head on the pillow and smiles, the fear finally dissolving. they’re alive. _ save him_, he hears and shake his head. “didn’t you see?,” he asks, turning his face to the window. he looks at the stars. “he was the best of us out there.”

he’s still smiling when he finally falls asleep. 

* * *

“richie! I think I killed It!”

the voice is far away, but it’s also a lighthouse in the darkness. he follows eddie’s voice screaming that It was defeated, this time for good, he hopes. richie opens his eyes and eddie is there, with a smile that makes richie’s heart melt.

and then, he remembers. save him, richie thinks to himself. he pushes eddie aside and the second after, feels his chest burning. 

“richie!,” eddie yells in horror. _I did it, right?_, his mind is foggy again, _I saved him_. 

richie dies, eddie’s screams still on his ears. 

* * *

he can feel the space between them.

this shouldn’t be possible. but richie is certain that the air is heavy, electric. he can’t stop looking at eddie. he doesn’t want to stop. it’s scary, how he could be like this forever. the moonlight shines over eddie’s face, and he’s never been more beautiful. but every day richie sees him, he thinks that eddie have become prettier. 

eddie is looking at him too. richie usually hates the silence, but not this one. not when they’re like this, side by side, on his bed. sonia called maggie a thousand times to reassure it was everything okay with her precious son. she still tried to control eddie, sometimes. but she couldn’t. not after It. they were different now. older. bolder. stranger. richie feels that he almost can’t remember It, the stress they were under four years ago. but he knows he hasn’t been the same ever since. 

he knows it because ever since that summer, that seems to be a lifetime ago, there is only one constant thing in his mind. he tried not to think about it, but it grew - vaster than empires and more slow. he remembers ben’s voice reading this poem out loud in class. but it wasn’t slow. it was too fast for him. actually, it was like he always carried that feeling, like he already knew eddie and for some reason had to go through it all again. he feels like eddie’s heart was always his to care, to protect. _ please, god, let me not be wrong about this_, he thinks, because eddie’s heart is not his. richie thinks he’s so stupid for wanting someone so much, someone he doesn’t know why is staring at him like that. he doesn’t want to hope. hope hurts. 

he's just seventeen, and he is in love.

_(save him) _

he is afraid of that. he wishes he could be in love with bev, like big bill and haystack. he wishes he could look at her red hair and think about touching it. he wishes that her lips were in his dreams. he wishes so hard, he even prayed some nights. but nothing changed. bev never popped up in his mind all the time. 

only him. only eddie. 

_(save him)_

richie is about to do something stupid. he knows it. he knows it because they’re supposed to be sleeping, but eddie is there, his face turned towards richie. the moonlight. the smell of a recent shower. richie is about to do something stupid and he will blame mike for it, mike and his fucking understanding smiles. mike and his words, _ love is love, man_. he wants to scream no, no, no, it’s not. eddie will hate him. but richie does not believe it, not when eddie is looking at him like that. hope hurts so bad, like something impaling his chest. 

richie leans in and kisses eddie’s forehead. eddie sighs. 

“richie,” he murmurs. it’s a solemn moment and richie is afraid he might do something wrong, he might break it, he might be an idiot as always and eddie will be mad at him forever. 

_(save him)_

“can I try again?,” richie whispers. eddie nods. 

richie kisses his nose and eddie laughs. “all that babbling about your skills, I always knew you were just a trashmouth,” he says, but there’s no hardness in his words. 

“can I try again?,” he repeats. 

“please.”

richie kisses eddie’s cheeks and eddie makes a sound, a funny one, the sound of when he's getting impatient. “every day since we’re ten you talk about my mom. if this is what you do I shouldn’t have been offended,” eddie says. richie laughs, a small sound. he wants to hear eddie’s voice forever. 

_(save him)_

“can I try again, eds?”

“don’t call me…,” but before the sentence is finished, richie presses his mouth to eddie’s. he gasps, and richie likes the sound of that, the sound of surprise even if it was so obvious what would happen. richie thinks he’s inside a dream. nothing in the real world can be so soft as eddie’s lips. 

eddie opens his mouth and richie is sure he’s dreaming. they’re kissing. they’re kissing and it’s divine. they’re kissing and eddie isn’t pushing him away. richie pulls eddie closer and closer and closer. he doesn’t know why, but he wants to cry. it would be such a stupid thing to do, to cry while kissing someone, someone you loved, someone you loved for so, so long that feels like you were loving them all your life. 

he opens his eyes just to be sure. eddie’s eyes are closed. richie’s hands are on his hair. he’s sure the turtle created the moon so it could shine on eddie. he closes his eyes again, thinking he would beat the devil just to see eddie smile.

_(remember to save him)_

* * *

_beep beep, richie_, says the voice in his head. _ not like that. oh, the young ones… so dramatic. try again, dear._

* * *

richie opens his eyes.

eddie is over him, smiling. “I think I killed It!,” he exclaims. 

richie feels like he’s just woke up from a nightmare. _ try again_. he grabs eddie’s shoulder and rolls them both to the side, landing over eddie. a second later, they hear the floor cracking on the spot they were. eddie sighs, his breath on richie’s face.

“I would have… thank you, richie,” eddie whispers. 

and kisses him.

“GUYS,” mike’s voice is almost in their ears. “fucking finally, but not the time!”

richie and eddie laugh, and then proceed to kill the fucking clown. 

* * *

_children, I love you_, the soft voice whispers to the universe and fills everything with possibility, _ I love you so much_.

**Author's Note:**

> q: why didn’t the turtle reset only the moment of eddie’s death?
> 
> a: because she’s an emotional ficwriter attached to these characters. 
> 
> [BETA READER CACKLING LIKE A MANIAC]


End file.
